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I'll save you 14 minutes of time - here's the beginning and end of this whole issue - At 14:01 in the video Ms Hoyt opines about communication "You might be right about your perception about something - that doesn't matter without empathy". Roll that little doozy around in your head for a minute! Why even bother engaging in a thoughtful, truthful dialog when (and I quote) "that doesn't matter". And then just read the hundreds of the lamentations in the comments below from women who simply can't fathom why their husbands disconnect themselves. And notice something missing in all these complaints? Every one of these women apparently thinks that the detachment started spontaneously out of thin air when in fact a major factor is that they neatly discount their own "that doesn't matter" mindset! You see - the word "empathy" has a different definition depending on your gender. I claim the difference is Darwinian. Males see empathy as being the first derivative of friendship and male empathy is mainly expressed in males working together as a team for a mutual goal. However, female friendships are substantially different with female empathy being used as an antidote to feelings of individual anxiety or stress. This fact strikes at the heart of the distinctly female emotive response "you may be right, but that doesn't matter" that serves them well when nurturing children but frustrates communication with their male partners. Therefore I posit that emotional disconnect in males is a survival instinct used when dealing with individuals whose primary position on many issues is "You might be right about your perception about something - that doesn't matter without empathy".

Thanks so much for this presentation. So true. I am amazed tho at reading mostly women speaking about disconnected husbands. There is a reason for this... and its explained so well right here!!

My first wife was like this. When we got married she was 18 and I was 20 and it lasted for 3 years. She would find problems with me and I would shut down and go into my office. I had a small business at the time and focused on that. She would act out when she felt like I was avoiding her, which I was. She would cut up my family photos, throwing plates, my tennis shoes, etc. There were some funny moments like when she threw a plate of nachos (my dinner) and it missed and slid down the wall. It escalated to her striking me with things and one night after an argument I went to bed early and woke up to her straddling me and striking me in the face. I realized that I couldn't stay with her after that because I never knew when she would attack me, since she did it even when I slept. Several years later I met my second wife. We've been married for 23 years. We have had some big fights but we have learned to avoid walking away angry. And I'm happy to say I never have hit a woman.

Women tend to overthink and act immediately. Whereas, men often want to take time to think through an issue. While a man is still thinking through a problem it seems like a woman is already onto the next problem that needs solving. I think both ways of thinking have their benefits but not so much when a couple is targeting one another. There needs to be some grace, like you said, with each other.

Any man who gets married and have kid's you are fools sooner or later she will Chet on you and destroy yourself save yourself from all bullshit .

What if the person is cheating

I feel like i have emotionally checked out of our marriage after trying everything in me to stay even after years of physical abuse, which stopped few years ago when i went to police thrice. But his habit Of complaining constantly about me to our family and friends even after sharing how i feel about it, i gave up. I don’t find any meaning in this relationship for me to even try to have a conversation with him. I have emotionally checked out. I don’t know what my next steps are but right now don’t want to disrupt my kids’ life as they both r in college and are very very close To both of us. I can’t even include marriage in the things i want to work On. I am recovering from a major accident so I am just going with everything happening in my life. Work, working out, my physical therapy and my Spiritual practice takes my time and i am Not even attempting or making time to talk to my husband. Very limited communication and absolutely no Interest in fixing the issue is my current state. I don’t know what my next steps are. Divorce, separation- don’t know

My husband is a workaholic. He owns his own business but its a 7 days a week, 365 days a year, usually sun up to sundown kind of gig. We also live rurally, 20 mins out of a small country town....so other than when my teenaged kids are home from school, I am always alone. We were very close before he brought the business (about 15 years ago), as he worked more regular hours and at least had most weekends off. We've had many discussions/arguments about it but the man just loves work and doing well financially. Work is by far his biggest priority. We've definitely drifted apart but there's nothing I can do about it.

Do these components apply for friendships as well?

She won't look me in the eye, open up, touch, kiss or heaven forbid engage in something romantic or have sex. NOTHING - phone in hand, checked out - not uninterested in doing anything except numbing out.

Yep - No passion, no physical / sexual intimacy since we adopted 4 children. Wife just closed down (avoidant) - went behind her walls, and refuses to seek individual therapy. Venting does NOT help to diffuse it - Ignoring it ALSO does not help it either. She WILL NOT address the elephant in the room (her words) - she acknowledges the lack of intimacy but is stuck. I find increasing resentment at the forced celibacy, coupled with a life of duty and expectation of care and affection FROM me, but nothing in return

Thank you. My spouse and I are separated. I want us to get back together, but we each have a bunch to work on. But this gives me hope.

So what’s the solution? Divorce? At the end it sounds like you just say suck it up and take it.

Hard to maintain connection when she won't look at me, cuddle, kiss or even engage in physical intimacy. She wants the marriage with zero effort, happy to live within her walls (where it's safe).

Couples counseling has done NOTHING for relieving or addressing our affectionless / sexless marriage. she simply wants to maintain the status quo and make everything about ME instead of the dead bedroom. Just will not move one way or the other

I’d like to book an appt. 1 910-603-6585

Wow, this is just what I’ve been looking for! Thank you for sharing! One question, when you listed the 4 types at the end (that this approach probably won’t work with)…where does ASD level 1 fit into that (or not)?

i’m at a desperate point because I haven’t had that connection in my 25 year marriage of my wife not once and I really just don’t know what to do anymore. Mike kids are adults and I am 49 years old. I don’t look yet but I am and I don’t know what to do because I know that at this point, I don’t think that will ever be met. I think I’ll die alone. I believe my wife doesn’t even care if I live or die be honest at All.

Your advice gives me a mental plan for doing new stuff. Thanks.

My taste in women changed during my marriage. I thought "She is fun, intense, aggressive, this is great!" Years later, "WTF was i thinking? I would take warm, nurturing, and feminine now."

I am not with a narcissist - I am with an Avoidant. Complete lack of empathy, only invested in her "safety" and walls / control issues. Life dream - I want physical affection and sex - she wants NOTHING. over 8 years without as much as a kiss. Changed after we adopted the kids, and now I am an outsider and an undesired person who is just a roommate with responsibility but no affection

My wife is definitely experiencing a mid life crisis. It began with a song she heard. Everything changed at that moment. Won’t seek professional help or prescribed medication. No matter how much I try to convince her I’m here to help, it doesn’t help.

Discovered an emotional affair… she denied it and refused to admit anything even in counseling. Still works with him but she’s created some visible distance. Definitely lost trust over the last 8 years. Roommates with functional conversation. Days I feel she wants me to seduce her … thou I may want to the baggage drives me away. I guess it’s about personal pride.

My wife already braced out to another man which is a convicted felon so there was no way to use the separation to fix the marriage, a man she started an affair with a year prior to our separation which happened because I found out, at the end our small kids 3 and 6 are the ones who paid the ultimate price, parents move on, kids get served a new life reality

What about when your spouse comes up with the "It's not you, it's me" excuse and you don't knowwhat you need to change?

What if you are really unhappy because youre partner yells at you like you said with high intensentie and you say i am unhappy becouse of youre behavoir to me , i am abusive Or if im in a suicidal crisis because something really awfull happend to me and my partner is choising himself work friends before me and let me suffer. And i plee him not to go becouse im.scared that i kill myself but he leaves anyway and for two hours i cry and try to slitt my wrist. That makes me abusive.? And before that he never worked but as soon there is something wrong with me he diseded to work 24/7 and i called him egoistic. Before he justed. Smoked joints and living of my money. That that makes me abusive?

❤

All work no play. No friends. No hobbies. Wife removed me from all the things I used to enjoy. Just a joyless working robot. And she asks me why I've changed. Why I'm grumpy..moody..tried discussing this..but nothing changes. I'm in hell but don't have the will or guts to bail. I fantasize about suicide often..but I won't ever do it.😢

This is alanon. Its free for anyone who needs it. I enjoy your videos, but at least tell these people who are suffering that this is free in every city

thank you so much! that's a great explanation

This resonated with me better than anything else I’ve heard. Thank you.

we have not separated yet but it will happen. i appreciate this video. i was doing everything to push. My spouse of 25 years is leaning out. I want to save our marriage but if i am honest i need to save me. I am physically unhealthy sad and lonely because he checked out

All men should relisten to the testimony in the Amber Heard Johnny Depp trial. Amber on tape recordings gives unfortunately a masterclass in verbal abuse.

Sarcasm is basically passive aggressive BS. Its almost always used to try to put somebody down and belittle.

Rhetorical Questions Like shutting the door on a mutual neutral conversation Great insight The reason I personally utilize for example What does fear means to you versus what faith means to you However no response may be coming forth However a history of no communications brings my headspace pace to connect to needing to feel sane Feeling not heard nor validated Then I include this is a hyperthetical or rhetorical manner of speaking To speak up to regain my grip on what I feel to get regain my regulation Disengaging is best till time to regain my balance my bearings manner of speech Thank you for your insight

Do you recommend a legal separation? Or working on your own

This is inspiring!

Hello. Are you still taking appointments for coaching?

If you are in relationship with a narcissist you definitely should have emotional affair. And seek support

Just stumbled onto Monika’s videos. Her material resonates w/ as a male. Spouse started to pull away about 7 yrs ago. Found out her friends were either cheating or separated. Found out spouse was expressing love to him. I’ve apologized for past behavior.. she hasn’t apologized much less admits an affair. We’ve each built a wall and simply co-exist. Thou I get a feeling that there are days she wants to be chased. I find that as a nonstarter,

My dad was verbal and my mothers other husband vas emotional.So this became my norm.

Monika, Hello I am wondering about walls versus baumdsries.

I've just come across your channel and a video on dealing with LARGE amounts of resentment would be so valuable to my marriage, my spouse and myself

When do yuy have more live streams. It really helps me to understand my wife

Don't wait too long. Everyday you wait that alimony gets more expensive. My wife took all her stuff back to Colombia. We've only been married a year and a month , but I'm 56 and I don't have time for bullshit even though it was my fault....like getting mad a lot because of finances. Regardless , I still have a right to improve myself for the next person. I'll give it Sept and bye bye. I suffered enough in my life.

Pls make a video on verbal abuse from rarely to basicall no interaction ppl. I was the scapegoat, they insult me heavily, punish me by cutting off my rights and destroying my birthday, Christmas and now the 2nd holiday bys making me come home extra to take care of my cat they were supposed to do. I have breakdowns and I totally isolate from women(mother wound, she was narcissist). Or a video on mother wound, not just what is this, how to stop this eternal reinicitation, it just has to stop for once I´m 43 and still get abused that´s insane here is nothing about relationship or friendship, vulnerability it´s a joke when they call me names, they do cut off the communication by taking this way. This can´t be solved with communication anymore. I was in CBT, in clinics and even the last psychologist omg she indirectly blamed me. I should have tried harder to better communicate, then I wouldn´t have been insulted and punished, the impacts on my life, health, holiday of course 0 empathy. I get no help from no one and I sometimes am so done that I just want to make it stop for good(of course just passive thoughts). I don´t think in our world I´m the only one being insulted, we need advice and help asap, I myself know others who also struggle with verbal abuse

Since when do we need sex to survive? I'm very well surviving without sex.😂 Sex is great, sure, but not necessary for survival.

Every word in this is spot on.

11 weeks since my wife disappeared and left me with a whole host of unanswered questions. At one point she'd lost her phone and i had to call the police because her parents stopped responding too. I always take care of my health so I don't worry about myself. The question that bothers me most is how could someone intentionally choose not to talk? This is heartless as it doesn't let me move on with my life with any degree of confidence either. I've done the time. I've taken responsibility for MY part without being unreasonable to myself. I've most politely requested what led to this and how could I have acted differently. 11 weeks and no answers. All I know is she felt extremely unsafe physically due to certain issues and I had to take the blame for not supporting. I realise now that offering solutions was apparently the problem. What should I do?

Doesn’t work with abuse.